Five Steps for Declaring Independence from Negative Thinking

It's the 4th of July weekend, and no doubt many of our readers in the U.S.
are celebrating Independence Day. In that spirit,
today's article is about science-based techniques for declaring
independence from negative thinking.

We all have negative thoughts from time to time. But some of the most
destructive negative thoughts we have jump into our minds so
quickly and reflexively that we barely notice them, even though we
definitely feel the negative emotions they trigger. Aaron
Beck, the founder of cognitive therapy, described these with the term
"automatic negative thoughts." Others call them "inner
critics" or "gremlins," but the label doesn't really matter. What matters
is preventing these Automatic Negative Thoughts - or
ANTs - from spinning into unproductive cycles of negative thoughts and
emotions.

==> Step One: Identify Your ANTs & Triggers

Different people have different Automatic Negative Thoughts. So the
process of overcoming negativity requires some introspection
and begins with identifying your unique ANTs. ANTs are generally triggered
by specific situations, so identify situations that upset you, and try to
pinpoint your immediate reaction. For example:

- In response to a professional setback, some will automatically think:
"I'm a loser."
- After a romantic disappointment, others instantly assume: "I'm unworthy."
- After a failed attempt to make life changes, some will say "I fail at
everything" or "I'll never be
able to get thin/stop smoking/start my business, etc."

After identifying your habitual negative thoughts, and the situations that
trigger them, then recognize the negative effects your ANTs have. Most
people find that their negative thoughts trigger broader patterns of
negative emotions, counter-productive behaviors, and additional negative
thoughts.

==> Step Two: Focus on "Managing" Your ANTs, Not Eliminating Them

Automatic Negative Thoughts are automatic largely because they have
recurred many times over many years. Indeed, they often got
their start with intense emotional experiences from childhood
or adolescence. So don't expect them to disappear overnight.

Of course, it would be great to eliminate negative thoughts completely,
but for most people, that's an unrealistic expectation. Indeed, anyone who
promises to eliminate negativity forever is probably selling self-help
snake oil. However, it is certainly possible to manage your ANTs, and
although they might still occur from time to time, the research is very
clear that you can learn to prevent ANTs from spinning into downward
spirals of negative thoughts and emotions.

Certainly there is some value in reviewing the past to understand how your
ANTs got started. But the key to managing ANTs is to
recognize that they now have a life of their own, and the path to resolving
them lies primarily in the here and now.

We've all seen movies or TV shows in which someone suddenly figures out the
origin of a specific negative thought or psychological problem, and then
has an immediate and dramatic recovery. That's certainly convenient for a
TV show that needs to have everything neatly wrapped up by the end of the
hour, but that's not really how the mind works. There are some effective
ANT-management techniques that we can use, but they will require some
effort and practice.

==> Step Three: Observing Your ANT Objectively

This step begins with an insight from Buddhism: the inner monologue that
has been cycling through your head since you
learned to talk is not "you." In a sense, "you" are the listener rather
than the voice itself.

As the listener, you can shape the nature of that internal monologue, and
choose to listen to a more positive voice. Most importantly, you can learn
to prevent that little voice - those isolated thoughts - from spinning into
full-blown cycles of negative emotion and counter-productive actions.

When an ANT occurs, try to observe it objectively. Just because you have
"heard it," doesn't mean that you have to believe it, or give into
it. Recognize that this thought occurred to you, and let it go. Ride out
the thought like a surfer riding a wave. If this technique appeals to
you, you may want to explore meditation in more detail, as many meditative
techniques are focused on this type of "impartial observation" of thoughts.

==> Step Four: Just Stop It

Try carrying a 3x5 card with the word "STOP" written on it. When your ANT
pops into your head, pull the card out and spend some time looking at it.
Another alternative - wear a rubber band around your wrist, and snap it
when your ANT occurs.

This technique may seem simplistic and "self-helpy." Certainly it is no
magic bullet to eliminating your ANTs forever. But it will help you become
more aware of your ANTs, the situations that trigger them, and most
importantly, your ability to consciously prevent your ANTs from spinning
out of control. And it is good preparation for our fifth and final step...

==> Step Five: Learn To Argue With Yourself

The final step in our process of ANT-management requires going on the
counter-attack. Fight back against the negative thoughts by asking
yourself a series of questions that will reveal the ANTs as false and
counter-productive. Try asking yourself these seven kinds of questions:

- Evidence: What is the objective evidence for this ANT?
- Exaggeration: Is this ANT an exaggeration? Am I over-reacting? Am I
over-generalizing?
- Alternatives: What are some other possible explanations?
- Flexibility: Can I evaluate this situation in more flexible terms? Am
I thinking in overly rigid, black-or-white, all-or-none terms?
- Utility: Is this belief empowering or counter-productive?
- Comparison: How have others fared in similar situations?
- Role reversal: How would I evaluate other people who performed as I did?

==> For Example...

Suppose you don't complete a certain project on time, and as a result, you
find that you are calling yourself a loser. Try challenging this ANT by
asking yourself questions like:

- Does not finishing my project on time really indicate that I am a
loser? Haven't I completed lots of other projects on time? (Evidence)
- Isn't "loser" a little strong? (Exaggeration)
- Is it possible that I didn't finish my project on time because I didn't
have the resources I needed? (Alternatives)
- Just because I may have room to improve my project management skills,
does that really mean I'm a loser? (Flexibility)
- Does it really benefit me to think of myself as a loser just because I
was late with one project? (Utility)
- Did everyone else finish their projects on time? (Comparison)
- Would I consider everyone who didn't finish their projects on time a
loser? (Role reversal)

At first, this process of "arguing with yourself" will probably seem forced
and artificial. But research has shown that, with practice, this technique
can be an effective technique for managing the negative thoughts and
emotions that undermine confidence. In fact, this technique is the basis
for cognitive-behavioral therapy, pioneered by Dr. Aaron Beck, and
rational-emotive behavior therapy, pioneered by Dr. Albert Ellis. Both
types of therapy have repeatedly proven effective in treating depression
and managing negative thoughts.

By Dr. Stephen Kraus

Three Keys to a Healthy Relationship

Three Keys to a Healthy Relationship

The real secret to a loving and healthy relationship may not be what you
thought. Of course, every healthy relationship needs love and appreciation,
but the third important element in keeping the relationship healthy is
often missing, that of, confrontation.

In fact, for most relationships, the other two ingredients, love and
appreciation, are in short supply.

The Three key elements for maintaining a healthy relationship are:

Love

Appreciation

Confrontation

1: Love: is the space we create for each other to be who we are. That's the
space of total acceptance with no desire or intent to fix or change. You
might want to ask yourself if you provide, or are experiencing that kind of
total acceptance for, or from your significant other.

If not, real love may be missing and what's there in its place is something
else. In most cases instead of real love you'll find in place a sort of
barter system, as in, I'll love you if.....

2: Appreciation: I'm sure you appreciate your loved ones, friends, and
associates, but how often do you say so, show it?

The word appreciation, means add value to. When you express your
appreciation to your spouse, kids, and other relationship partners, you add
real value to that person and to the relationship. Try it. You'll get it
back ten fold. When was the last time you showed someone dear to you that
you loved and appreciated him or her?

If you want your relationship to become a loving happy place to be, just
make up your mind to show your appreciation now, today; don't put it off.
Make it your intention to make a habit of showing appreciation at every
opportunity. Then pay back off and attention to what shows up in your life
in the form of happier, more loving relationships.

3: Confrontation: Most of us avoid confront like the plague. We side step
the delicate issues, probably because we're afraid that we may be the one
at fault.

But know this: Those thorns in the relationship are hidden issues that just
don't go away until they're dealt with. Instead they're like a festering
splinter that keeps getting worse until pulled to the surface and disposed
of it.

If you have a desire to improve the health of your relationships, find the
courage to confront the hidden problems. You might want to ask, "What's the
most important thing you and I should be talking about today?" And then
listen with no intent to defend yourself.

For this to work, the questioning must be done in the space of
unconditional love as described above. Then, when given an answer, ask more
questions that will help you get a broader view--the whole
picture--questions like, "Tell me more about that. I really want to know
and take responsibility for how I may have caused it."

Be prepared to hear some things you were pretending not to know, and do
not, I repeat, DO NOT, at any time during the questioning, try to clarify
your position. If you really want to know the truth, listen full out. The
benefits?

· You'll learn something of great value

· You'll be able to tackle tough issues

· You will enrich your relationship.

What's the danger in not interrogating reality? A tough issue, avoided can
grow and grow until it destroys the relationship. Dealing with the issue
before it gets out of hand will strengthen and enrich the relationship.

Author: Darel Rutherford