Five Steps for Declaring Independence from Negative Thinking

It's the 4th of July weekend, and no doubt many of our readers in the U.S.
are celebrating Independence Day. In that spirit,
today's article is about science-based techniques for declaring
independence from negative thinking.

We all have negative thoughts from time to time. But some of the most
destructive negative thoughts we have jump into our minds so
quickly and reflexively that we barely notice them, even though we
definitely feel the negative emotions they trigger. Aaron
Beck, the founder of cognitive therapy, described these with the term
"automatic negative thoughts." Others call them "inner
critics" or "gremlins," but the label doesn't really matter. What matters
is preventing these Automatic Negative Thoughts - or
ANTs - from spinning into unproductive cycles of negative thoughts and
emotions.

==> Step One: Identify Your ANTs & Triggers

Different people have different Automatic Negative Thoughts. So the
process of overcoming negativity requires some introspection
and begins with identifying your unique ANTs. ANTs are generally triggered
by specific situations, so identify situations that upset you, and try to
pinpoint your immediate reaction. For example:

- In response to a professional setback, some will automatically think:
"I'm a loser."
- After a romantic disappointment, others instantly assume: "I'm unworthy."
- After a failed attempt to make life changes, some will say "I fail at
everything" or "I'll never be
able to get thin/stop smoking/start my business, etc."

After identifying your habitual negative thoughts, and the situations that
trigger them, then recognize the negative effects your ANTs have. Most
people find that their negative thoughts trigger broader patterns of
negative emotions, counter-productive behaviors, and additional negative
thoughts.

==> Step Two: Focus on "Managing" Your ANTs, Not Eliminating Them

Automatic Negative Thoughts are automatic largely because they have
recurred many times over many years. Indeed, they often got
their start with intense emotional experiences from childhood
or adolescence. So don't expect them to disappear overnight.

Of course, it would be great to eliminate negative thoughts completely,
but for most people, that's an unrealistic expectation. Indeed, anyone who
promises to eliminate negativity forever is probably selling self-help
snake oil. However, it is certainly possible to manage your ANTs, and
although they might still occur from time to time, the research is very
clear that you can learn to prevent ANTs from spinning into downward
spirals of negative thoughts and emotions.

Certainly there is some value in reviewing the past to understand how your
ANTs got started. But the key to managing ANTs is to
recognize that they now have a life of their own, and the path to resolving
them lies primarily in the here and now.

We've all seen movies or TV shows in which someone suddenly figures out the
origin of a specific negative thought or psychological problem, and then
has an immediate and dramatic recovery. That's certainly convenient for a
TV show that needs to have everything neatly wrapped up by the end of the
hour, but that's not really how the mind works. There are some effective
ANT-management techniques that we can use, but they will require some
effort and practice.

==> Step Three: Observing Your ANT Objectively

This step begins with an insight from Buddhism: the inner monologue that
has been cycling through your head since you
learned to talk is not "you." In a sense, "you" are the listener rather
than the voice itself.

As the listener, you can shape the nature of that internal monologue, and
choose to listen to a more positive voice. Most importantly, you can learn
to prevent that little voice - those isolated thoughts - from spinning into
full-blown cycles of negative emotion and counter-productive actions.

When an ANT occurs, try to observe it objectively. Just because you have
"heard it," doesn't mean that you have to believe it, or give into
it. Recognize that this thought occurred to you, and let it go. Ride out
the thought like a surfer riding a wave. If this technique appeals to
you, you may want to explore meditation in more detail, as many meditative
techniques are focused on this type of "impartial observation" of thoughts.

==> Step Four: Just Stop It

Try carrying a 3x5 card with the word "STOP" written on it. When your ANT
pops into your head, pull the card out and spend some time looking at it.
Another alternative - wear a rubber band around your wrist, and snap it
when your ANT occurs.

This technique may seem simplistic and "self-helpy." Certainly it is no
magic bullet to eliminating your ANTs forever. But it will help you become
more aware of your ANTs, the situations that trigger them, and most
importantly, your ability to consciously prevent your ANTs from spinning
out of control. And it is good preparation for our fifth and final step...

==> Step Five: Learn To Argue With Yourself

The final step in our process of ANT-management requires going on the
counter-attack. Fight back against the negative thoughts by asking
yourself a series of questions that will reveal the ANTs as false and
counter-productive. Try asking yourself these seven kinds of questions:

- Evidence: What is the objective evidence for this ANT?
- Exaggeration: Is this ANT an exaggeration? Am I over-reacting? Am I
over-generalizing?
- Alternatives: What are some other possible explanations?
- Flexibility: Can I evaluate this situation in more flexible terms? Am
I thinking in overly rigid, black-or-white, all-or-none terms?
- Utility: Is this belief empowering or counter-productive?
- Comparison: How have others fared in similar situations?
- Role reversal: How would I evaluate other people who performed as I did?

==> For Example...

Suppose you don't complete a certain project on time, and as a result, you
find that you are calling yourself a loser. Try challenging this ANT by
asking yourself questions like:

- Does not finishing my project on time really indicate that I am a
loser? Haven't I completed lots of other projects on time? (Evidence)
- Isn't "loser" a little strong? (Exaggeration)
- Is it possible that I didn't finish my project on time because I didn't
have the resources I needed? (Alternatives)
- Just because I may have room to improve my project management skills,
does that really mean I'm a loser? (Flexibility)
- Does it really benefit me to think of myself as a loser just because I
was late with one project? (Utility)
- Did everyone else finish their projects on time? (Comparison)
- Would I consider everyone who didn't finish their projects on time a
loser? (Role reversal)

At first, this process of "arguing with yourself" will probably seem forced
and artificial. But research has shown that, with practice, this technique
can be an effective technique for managing the negative thoughts and
emotions that undermine confidence. In fact, this technique is the basis
for cognitive-behavioral therapy, pioneered by Dr. Aaron Beck, and
rational-emotive behavior therapy, pioneered by Dr. Albert Ellis. Both
types of therapy have repeatedly proven effective in treating depression
and managing negative thoughts.

By Dr. Stephen Kraus

Three Keys to a Healthy Relationship

Three Keys to a Healthy Relationship

The real secret to a loving and healthy relationship may not be what you
thought. Of course, every healthy relationship needs love and appreciation,
but the third important element in keeping the relationship healthy is
often missing, that of, confrontation.

In fact, for most relationships, the other two ingredients, love and
appreciation, are in short supply.

The Three key elements for maintaining a healthy relationship are:

Love

Appreciation

Confrontation

1: Love: is the space we create for each other to be who we are. That's the
space of total acceptance with no desire or intent to fix or change. You
might want to ask yourself if you provide, or are experiencing that kind of
total acceptance for, or from your significant other.

If not, real love may be missing and what's there in its place is something
else. In most cases instead of real love you'll find in place a sort of
barter system, as in, I'll love you if.....

2: Appreciation: I'm sure you appreciate your loved ones, friends, and
associates, but how often do you say so, show it?

The word appreciation, means add value to. When you express your
appreciation to your spouse, kids, and other relationship partners, you add
real value to that person and to the relationship. Try it. You'll get it
back ten fold. When was the last time you showed someone dear to you that
you loved and appreciated him or her?

If you want your relationship to become a loving happy place to be, just
make up your mind to show your appreciation now, today; don't put it off.
Make it your intention to make a habit of showing appreciation at every
opportunity. Then pay back off and attention to what shows up in your life
in the form of happier, more loving relationships.

3: Confrontation: Most of us avoid confront like the plague. We side step
the delicate issues, probably because we're afraid that we may be the one
at fault.

But know this: Those thorns in the relationship are hidden issues that just
don't go away until they're dealt with. Instead they're like a festering
splinter that keeps getting worse until pulled to the surface and disposed
of it.

If you have a desire to improve the health of your relationships, find the
courage to confront the hidden problems. You might want to ask, "What's the
most important thing you and I should be talking about today?" And then
listen with no intent to defend yourself.

For this to work, the questioning must be done in the space of
unconditional love as described above. Then, when given an answer, ask more
questions that will help you get a broader view--the whole
picture--questions like, "Tell me more about that. I really want to know
and take responsibility for how I may have caused it."

Be prepared to hear some things you were pretending not to know, and do
not, I repeat, DO NOT, at any time during the questioning, try to clarify
your position. If you really want to know the truth, listen full out. The
benefits?

· You'll learn something of great value

· You'll be able to tackle tough issues

· You will enrich your relationship.

What's the danger in not interrogating reality? A tough issue, avoided can
grow and grow until it destroys the relationship. Dealing with the issue
before it gets out of hand will strengthen and enrich the relationship.

Author: Darel Rutherford

Quote: Stay Hungry!

"Always stay humble, and stay hungry!"
-- Mark Colyer

Are You Too Sexy?

Are You Too Sexy?

According to a recent study conducted by Tulane University, women who
exhibit sexy behavior on the job--such as wearing revealing clothes,
flirting in person or through email, or massaging a male coworker's
shoulders--may be losing out on promotions and raises.

The study surveyed 164 female MBA graduates who had been in the workforce
for 12 years. 49% of those admitted (remarkably) that they had tried to
advance their careers by being sexy.

The women who said they never engaged in sexy behavior had earned an
average of three promotions. Women who said they had engaged in sexy
behavior had earned on ly two promotions.

Women who did not engage in the sexy behavior earned an average of
$75,000-$100,000; the sexy women earned an average of $50,000-$75,000.

The study didn't include any theories as to why sexy women receive fewer
promotions and pay raises. Perhaps their bosses don't take them seriously,
seeing their blatant sexy behavior as an attempt to get ahead through
less-than-ethical means.

In any event, if you're a woman (or a man, for that matter) who has the
misguided notion that flirting with your boss or dressing in revealing
clothes will give you a boost up the corporate ladder, maybe you better
think again.

Author: Bonie Lowe

Accepting Yourself Unconditionally

How Are You Treated By Others?

Self-acceptance begins in infancy, with the influence of your parents and
siblings and other important people.

Your own level of self-acceptance is determined largely by how well you
feel you are accepted by the important people in your life.

Your attitude toward yourself is determined largely by the attitudes that
you think other people have toward you. When you believe that other people
think highly of you, your level of self-acceptance and self-esteem goes
straight up.

The best way to build a healthy personality involves understanding yourself
and your feelings.

Let the Light Shine In
This is achieved through the simple exercise of self-disclosure. For you to
truly understand yourself, or to stop being troubled by things that may
have happened in your past, you must be able to disclose yourself to at
least one person. You have to be able to get those things off your chest.
You must rid yourself of those thoughts and feelings by revealing them to
someone who won't make you feel guilty or ashamed for what has happened.

Understand What Makes You Tick
The second part of personality development follows from self-disclosure,
and it's called self-awareness. Only when you can disclose what you're
truly thinking and feeling to someone else can you become aware of those
thoughts and emotions If the other person simply listens to you without
commenting or criticizing, you have the opportunity to become more aware of
the person you are and why you do the things you do. You begin to develop
perspective, or what the Buddhists call "detachment."

Be Honest With Yourself
Now we come to the good part. After you've gone through self-disclosure to
self-awareness, you arrive at self-acceptance. You accept yourself for the
person you are, with good points and bad points, with strengths and
weaknesses, and with the normal frailties of a human being. When you
develop the ability to stand back and look at yourself honestly, and to
candidly admit to others that you may not be perfect but you're all you've
got, you start to enjoy a heightened sense of self-acceptance.

Do An Inventory of Your Accomplishments
A valuable exercise for developing higher levels of self-acceptance
involves doing an inventory of yourself. In doing this inventory, your job
is to accentuate the positive and minimize the negative.

Think of your unique talents and abilities. Think of your core skills, the
things that you do exceptionally well that account for your success in your
profession and in your personal life right now.

Think About Your Future
Think about your future possibilities and the fact that your potential is
virtually unlimited. You can do what you want to do and go where you want
to go. You can be the person you want to be. You can set large and small
goals and make plans and move step-by-step, progressively toward their
realization. There are no obstacles to what you can accomplish except the
obstacles that you create in your mind.

Action Exercises
Here are three steps you can take immediately to put these ideas into action:

First, sit down with your spouse, or a good friend, and tell him or her
about something that is troubling you and is still causing you unhappiness.

Second, develop perspective on your problem by standing back from it and
imagining that it was happening to someone else. What advice would you give
to that person?

Third, think continually about the good experiences and accomplishments you
have enjoyed in the past. Remind yourself regularly that you are a pretty
good person and you've done a lot of good things in your life.

Author: Brian Tracy

Satisfaction Guaranteed?

it seems as if we are being offered, more and more, the chance to have the
perfect life.

Coaches often talk about how we can "have it all", books offer us tips and
techniques for having a great life - we can have the perfect home, the
ideal family, a great sex life, the dream holiday, etc.

What strikes me about all of these offers is that they seem to be
suggesting that the everyday, ordinary, sometimes good sometimes bad, life
is not enough.

We are told that sex should be great every time, that relationships should
always be loving, that families should always be open and honest.

It seems as if it is our "right" to "have it all", to go for the perfect
life - as if, somehow, to settle for what is ordinary is to sell ourselves
short in some way - as if it isn't good enough to just have an ordinary
life, to eat a meal that isn't a "sensation of explosive tastes", or to
have a relationship that isn't "extra-ordinary".

There are many problems associated with this.

It makes it harder and harder for us to have satisfaction - we are
bombarded with so many ideas and images of the perfect life - the ideal
body shape to be, the ideal home, the model relationship - that reality in
all its inconsistency and ordinariness is often unable to satisfy us any more.

It's easy to feel as if we are missing out if we don't have a model
lifestyle, or if we aren't always engaged in wonderful, uplifiting
conversation in our relationships.

This dis-satisfaction creates a real sense of unease, and a lack
of appreciation of life as it is.

We can end up comparing how life is with the fantasy and images we have
created about how life could be lived, or how we think it IS lived by other
people who are "luckier" than us.

What might have been fulfilling and satisfying becomes clouded by our
expectations of how it could be, and we can lose our capacity to savour the
moment, in our pursuit of perfection and having it all.

This week's exploration is an invitation to you to savour the ordinariness
of life, to celebrate the "holiness in the mundane" (a lovely phrase I
heard in a sermon at a wedding last year).

I invite you to take an area where you feel you are missing out on
something, or which you judge to be "ordinary" or "dull" or "mundane".

What expectations do you have about this area?
What comparisons might you be making?
What would be different if you let go of your pictures about how it "should
be"?
What would it be like if you accepted that this is "as good as it gets"?
What freedom open up for you if you were to let go of looking for
extra-ordinariness, and be with the everyday just as it is?

Author : Aboodi Shabi

One Little Known Factors of Influence and Persuasion

What I want you to do is to write down two ways, the first things that
come to your mind, as to how you can use each of these factors in dealing
with customers and clients. Some of these factors are going to be quite new
to you and will require a little more thought. BUT realize that these are
such powerful factors that they are worth every minute you invest in them.

Self and Conspicuous Consumption

People will buy items that they normally would not buy if they can be SEEN
owning such an item. Automobiles for example. Most people buy cars that
they can't afford in order to FEEL better as they compare themselves to
their neighbors, family and peers. Only two decades ago you couldn't get a
car loan for 4 years. Today you can't get many loans for less than 5 or 6.

People want to buy that BIG SUV even if it drives them into bankruptcy.
Why? Because they are stupid? (We'll deal with that in another article.)
No, because they NEED to feel superior to their peers and neighbors in some
way that is SIGNIFICANT to THEM.

$10,000 KEY and DISCOVERY: The fact is that research shows that the
satisfaction from having something or something that is in excess of your
neighbors is an END IN ITSELF.

Application: How can your product or service be seen as excess of your
peers or neighbors even if it has to be reframed to accomplish that picture?

Author: Kevin Hogan